Monday, November 14, 2005

Silly shot girls

If you're going to use sexuality to sell something, you cannot be disturbingly overflowing your overly tight pants and belly shirt. I'm lumpy, alabaster pale, and oddly angular, so I keep several layers on to help me blend in with living. Don't have the body for something spare the rest of us, go tan / exercise / diet / get requisite surgery and curse your shallow physical existence. Furthermore, if you plan on prancing around on the bar throwing out merchandise, try to avoid stepping on patrons attempting to purchase beverages. Once said patron has saved his digits, could you get out of the way so I can spend money in your employer's establishment. And don't give me tone when I refuse your ridiculous ball cap and ask you to side step about a yard so that I may conduct business. Shearing you off at the knees can almost be considered fashion euthanasia.

Friday, November 04, 2005


I have evolved superhuman powers.

Not cool superhuman powers, like nigh invulnerability, the strength of 100 men, or indefinite sexual stamina, but superhuman powers nonetheless. On preliminary examination I believe my powers are some sort of local telekinetic and electromagnetic distortion field that varies local fields of probability.

Let me give you some background on Sunday it started raining in my kitchen due to the infamous leaky tank bolts. The same day my computer at work had an identity crises and kept flashing the message "Operating system not found." My lap top had a stroke on Monday, barely booting to the desktop before crashing repeatedly. I set my kitchen clock after the battery died this week and now it doesn't work at all. Light bulbs have been fizzling out in ignoble firefly-like deaths all around me. On Wednesday a large picture leapt off the wall at me and took a dive down the stairs spreading glass shards in 15 foor diameter. My vacuum tried to burn out its engine during the clean up, ah I love the smell of smoking motor parts in the morning.

That's a lot of statistically significant bad luck in one week. I normally consider myself a lucky guy, but this makes we wonder when I get attacked by my own home furnishings. I'll have to experiment with my new probability altering powers and see if I can turn them to the service of truth, justice, and the American way. That or figure I'll have a rebound of insanely good luck, like winning the lottery, if I only played the lottery.