Friday, November 04, 2005


I have evolved superhuman powers.

Not cool superhuman powers, like nigh invulnerability, the strength of 100 men, or indefinite sexual stamina, but superhuman powers nonetheless. On preliminary examination I believe my powers are some sort of local telekinetic and electromagnetic distortion field that varies local fields of probability.

Let me give you some background on Sunday it started raining in my kitchen due to the infamous leaky tank bolts. The same day my computer at work had an identity crises and kept flashing the message "Operating system not found." My lap top had a stroke on Monday, barely booting to the desktop before crashing repeatedly. I set my kitchen clock after the battery died this week and now it doesn't work at all. Light bulbs have been fizzling out in ignoble firefly-like deaths all around me. On Wednesday a large picture leapt off the wall at me and took a dive down the stairs spreading glass shards in 15 foor diameter. My vacuum tried to burn out its engine during the clean up, ah I love the smell of smoking motor parts in the morning.

That's a lot of statistically significant bad luck in one week. I normally consider myself a lucky guy, but this makes we wonder when I get attacked by my own home furnishings. I'll have to experiment with my new probability altering powers and see if I can turn them to the service of truth, justice, and the American way. That or figure I'll have a rebound of insanely good luck, like winning the lottery, if I only played the lottery.

No comments: