Silly shot girls

If you're going to use sexuality to sell something, you cannot be disturbingly overflowing your overly tight pants and belly shirt. I'm lumpy, alabaster pale, and oddly angular, so I keep several layers on to help me blend in with living. Don't have the body for something spare the rest of us, go tan / exercise / diet / get requisite surgery and curse your shallow physical existence. Furthermore, if you plan on prancing around on the bar throwing out merchandise, try to avoid stepping on patrons attempting to purchase beverages. Once said patron has saved his digits, could you get out of the way so I can spend money in your employer's establishment. And don't give me tone when I refuse your ridiculous ball cap and ask you to side step about a yard so that I may conduct business. Shearing you off at the knees can almost be considered fashion euthanasia.

Rules of the House

Inspired by "The House of God : The Classic Novel of Life and Death in an American Hospital" (Samuel Shem) here are my rules (ever evolving). Not all of these are original, but rather than compromise these fine physician-teachers, I have not included their names.

1. Science seeks the most elegant solution, while medicine seeks the best solution at that time.
   
   
2. Don't forget to look at the patient.
   
   
3. Blue is not a good color in a patient.
   
   
4. The body has a finite number of pathophysiological responses to an infinite number of insults.
   
   
5. The generic/stall out answer to the question, "Student doctor what do you do?":
   
   
   
   • CBC
     
   • Basic metabolic panel
     
   • X-ray of the affected area
     
   
   
6. Understand and learn your doctor's three keywords.
   
   
7. Bottom line its all about the Benjamins.
   
   
8. The VA is full of HONDAS:
   
   
   
   • Hypertensive
     
   • Obese
     
   • Noncompliant
     
   • Diabetic
     
   • Alcoholic
     
   • Smokers
     
   
   
9. A lab test or imaging study is ordered for a specific reason, know why, what it means, and what to do about it...and always, always follow up.
   
   
10. Ninty five percent of the work in the world is performed by five percent of the people.
    
    
11. Laws of Radiology
    
    
    
    • Symmetry is good.
      
    • Straight lines and sharp corners are bad.
      
    • Real findings are in a perpendicular view, too.
      
    
    
12. All females are pregnant until proven otherwise.
    
    
13. Happiness is good shoes.
    
    
14. It's good day if you can go home and wipe your own @$$.
    
    
15. On "doctoring"
    
    
    
    1. Make a diagnosis
       
    2. Find a treatment
       
    
    
16. Nun's don't get cervical cancer, but do get endometrial cancer. The first is an STI, the second is high risk for nulliparity and obesity.
    
    
17. Cardiology in a nutshell: Dead meat don't beat.
    
    
18. Trade names should leave a bad taste in your mouth.
    
    
19. Anaerobe treatment: clindamycin above the diaphragm, metronidazole below.
    
    
20. If they have don't have a story they are schizophrenic.
    
    
21. If they give you a headache during the interview they have one or more personality disorders.
    
    
22. Getting drunk, smoking some pot, and popping 5 benzos of your choice is not a suicide attempt...its a party.
    
    
23. Observed or ordered is recorded: The medical chart is the lab notebook of medicine. When you come back a few years later it must have enough evidence to write a thesis, publish a scholarly paper, or defend your actions in a court of law.
    
    
24. Medicine is a function of time: Acute problems are treated acutely, chronic problems are treated chronically, and to truly cure anything, prevent it in the first place.
    
    
25. The YIVAS Criteria, what we wish we and all our patients were:

    Young

    Intelligent

    Vocal

    Attractive

    Supported

26. The condition called life has a 100% mortality rate.
    
    
27. The best way to learn to be a doctor is to be a doctor.
    
    
28. Be cautious of the charming, affable patient, they will unintentionally circumvent your diagnostic inquiry and complicate the appropriate therapeutic intervention.
    
    
29. Placebo effect, both blessing and curse.
    
    
30. There is no such thing as an interesting patient. They are all interesting.
    
    
31. Your patient's agenda and your own are not the same. You worry about what will kill them soonest while they worry about what scares them the most. Stick to your agenda but recognize theirs.
    
    
32. Patients come to the ED for one of five reasons:
    • An x-ray
      
    • Antibiotics
      
    • A note for work
      
    • Pain killers
      
    • Pregnancy test
    
    
    
33. Do not argue with the person without pants on.
    
    
34. On doing "everything": Just because we could, doesn't mean we should.
    
    
35. One fun thing at a time has a low probability of mortality, two or more are a virtual guarantee.
    
    
36. To sleep comfortably on call never go the bed with a guilty conscience.

Mutation

I have evolved superhuman powers.

Not cool superhuman powers, like nigh invulnerability, the strength of 100 men, or indefinite sexual stamina, but superhuman powers nonetheless. On preliminary examination I believe my powers are some sort of local telekinetic and electromagnetic distortion field that varies local fields of probability.

Let me give you some background on Sunday it started raining in my kitchen due to the infamous leaky tank bolts. The same day my computer at work had an identity crises and kept flashing the message "Operating system not found." My lap top had a stroke on Monday, barely booting to the desktop before crashing repeatedly. I set my kitchen clock after the battery died this week and now it doesn't work at all. Light bulbs have been fizzling out in ignoble firefly-like deaths all around me. On Wednesday a large picture leapt off the wall at me and took a dive down the stairs spreading glass shards in 15 foor diameter. My vacuum tried to burn out its engine during the clean up, ah I love the smell of smoking motor parts in the morning.

That's a lot of statistically significant bad luck in one week. I normally consider myself a lucky guy, but this makes we wonder when I get attacked by my own home furnishings. I'll have to experiment with my new probability altering powers and see if I can turn them to the service of truth, justice, and the American way. That or figure I'll have a rebound of insanely good luck, like winning the lottery, if I only played the lottery.